We’ve all been told that listening and hearing are two different things; that hearing is passive, whereas listening is active. So, we can hear what someone is saying, but we might not be listening, which involves not just the words, but the emotions and ideas being expressed both verbally and physically. Listening is quite hard, actually. It requires us to pay attention to the entire person. As we take in the information from the other person, it is very natural for thoughts to trigger inside us. Things like agreement/disagreement, memories, emotions, interpretations of what they are saying, distractions, questions, solutions to the problem – all kinds of things. Our brain loves to be distracted!
So how do we truly listen? We begin by paying attention to the whole person – their emotions, reactions, and of course words. We don’t to interrupt or ask questions (unless clarifying) and most importantly we don’t give advice (that’s a hard one!). Instead, we reflect back to that person what we heard, using their words. This helped the person feel as if they were truly listened to (or “heard”). It has the added bonus of you learning exactly what they are saying (instead of guessing or (mis)interpreting).
Now this is all very easy to say, but much harder to do in practice! But if you are having issues communicating well with a family member, friend or coworker, you might try this technique. Listening can be a powerful tool for building and even healing relationships.
With love,
Rev. Sian
Rev. Sian Wiltshire is Orange Coast Unitarian Universalist Church's minister. Please feel free to reach out and say hello! She can be reached by email, revsian@ocuuc.org, or by church phone at (714) 556-2882 (x302).